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TOO YOUNG

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Victoria Ukpaka
(@whiteink)
Member Customer
Joined: 4 years ago
Posts: 198
Topic starter  

 

I was a little girl,
With stars in my eyes,
And hope in my heart.
Evil was alien to me,
The world was a good place,
I enjoyed it.

One day,
I lost the illusion,
My perfect world crumbled.
The light in my eyes dimmed,
The hope in my heart faded,
The menace in their smiles said,
Hello girl, welcome to life.

I was barely a girl,
Approaching teen years,
When the light finally burned out.
I heard words,
Words that killed me daily,
Words that left a shell of me.
The one who bore me said,
You are nothing but the mistake we made.

No! It cannot be!
I believed in hope,
I lived that hope as a child.
I felt secure in that hope
But now she stole it from me.
His eyes told me all I needed to know.
That was when it began.
The end of the beginning.

Close to teen years,
That was when I met him.
Heart melting smile,
Kind words and complete attention.
The world wasn't a bad place after all.
He was nice, I was young,
Too young too know the ways of men.
I trusted him and then he killed me.

He killed me, not with knife,
He killed me, not with hands,
He said he loves me, my heart bloomed,
I didn't know those were the magic words,
Till I saw myself bleeding on the floor 
Of his house,
My limp legs betrayed me.
What just happened?

He smiled at me
Don't tell anyone he said,
I knew then he has stolen my future.
I was just 11.

Those I loved killed the hope, and he stole my future.

 

 

 

Victoria Ukpaka

This topic was modified 3 years ago by Victoria Ukpaka

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Dr. Kennedy O. Obohwemu
(@penkup)
Prominent Member Admin
Joined: 4 years ago
Posts: 862
 

Nicely written. However, there's defective tense usage. You used the past participle in reference to a past event, which was great, but then you switched to the present tense in some lines.

E.g.,

S6L3:

'He said he loves me, my heart bloomed' (word should be 'loved')

S7L3:

'I knew then he has stolen my future.' (word should be 'had')


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Victoria Ukpaka
(@whiteink)
Member Customer
Joined: 4 years ago
Posts: 198
Topic starter  

Okay sir. Thank you. I will make the corrections and resubmit tomorrow.


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