And Then Again
"Oh my God! I'm late already", Pearl said to herself as she rushed into the Church, neglecting an Old man who was struggling to crawl to the Church gate where he sat every morning to beg for alms.
Walking into the Church, she sat on an empty pew. She hadn't gotten hold of the priest's preaching when she recalled how she neglected the Old Man by the gate. The story of the good Samaritan flashed through her mind. "Jesus!", she exclaimed inside of herself, "What have I done?"
She felt tormented as she could no longer concentrate.
"How dare I walk into your presence after what I did?,
How did I become this perverse?", Pearl felt like the worst sinner on Earth.
When it was time for the offertory, after the homily, she watched a guy she had been admiring for months walk into the Church.
Whoosh! Not another torment. She kept pleading for Mercy all through the consecration. Singing felt not it.
She kept her head bowed down all through. The mass came to an end, but the burden in her heart remained. She felt so weak, down to her spirit.
Opening her prayer booklet, she read a contemplation "For Union"
"O LORD, my God, how do I dare to speak to you, I the meanest of Your creatures! I am unclean, I am but an earthen vessel teeming with perversity: and You, Lord, are the God of gods, Lord of lords; You are all good, all truth, all beauty, all utility, all gentleness, all sweetness; You are the source of all splendor, the accord of all harmony, the blending of all perfumes, the gathering of all delights, the ocean of love, the intimate bond of charity"...
Tears rolled down her cheeks.
..." You do call me, and I take to flight; You are full of solitude for me, and I pay you no attention. You do serve me without ceasing and I repay You with offences; You do give Yourself to me and I scorn the gift. You do love me, who am but vanity and nothing, and I disdain You, who are good, infinite, ineffable... But I beseech You, O my God, remember not my offences; remember rather Your heart of mercy".
Taking a pause, Pearl raised her head. She looked forward, aiming for the altar, but then she sighted him again. He had his head bowed praying. She immediately shut her eyes, mumbling painfully to herself, "Lord, not again".
After reading and meditating on some contemplations. She picked up her Rosary to pray but then, it felt so difficult.
She doesn't even know him, apart from his looks. She had seen him few times with a lady, and once they dressed wearing the same attire as a couple would.
That day she cautioned herself to keep her eyes off another woman's man.
She wasn't done bearing the wounds from her neglect, now she struggles with her emotions.
She began praying her Rosary.
At the Scourging at the pillar, she sighted him standing up from his seat to leave. She covered her face with her right hand, closed her eyes, sighed and continued on the seventh Hail Mary.
"He is gone, Thank God", Pearl breathed a sigh of relief.
But then turning to her right, she looked through the windows and met his gaze as he walked down the path leading to his destination.
What was there to deny? And then again it dawned on her that she had worn a tag of foolishness at dawn.
Deep inside, she exclaimed, "Oh Lord, How do you deal with foolish daughters like me?"