My Shameless Husband
The aura from the bathroom surrounded Stefan as he came out of it, his curly hair dripped water down to his broad shoulder. His lips were wet, they looked supple, its invitation made Jenny drew the bed sheet up to her eye level. She needed to escape from the captivating sight before her.
"Hey, you should know by now I intoxicate you, stop trying to avoid me cause it won't work."
His voice cut through her sheet, it ringed in her head and made her want to suffocate.
"Who exactly does he think he is, yes we are married but it's not like I can't avoid him if I want." She thought to herself as she forcefully pull the sheet down.
"I can look at you and still resist you."
"Oh really." the voice came as a mockery as he magically pull down the towel guiding his third leg.
The room was supposed to be cold, because of the weather and the air-conditioner but Jenny felt an intense heat. Voices kept ringing in her head, telling her to stand and get what is hers but she tried to ignore them. It was like her body was in a conflict with itself.
"Dammit." another voice said in frustration.
"Okay, let me help you." He said scornfully and move nearer, his third leg stood erect with the intention of not bulging.
"It's not just about who looses to the other, Stefan this is the 20th time, it's morning already and I'm surprised at how you still manage to get the feelings."
"Ow, you lose yours? don't you feel like going again and again?"
He said as he squat before her thighs.
"Gush! How did I end up with such a shameless husband."
"Your body is shaking, come on baby stop torturing yourself." He pressed his chest against her supple ripe two mangoes.
Jenny tried to stop it but her hands were already running down his back. Seeing this, Stefan scoff.
"Don't turn me off." Jenny was beginning to feel bad.
"It's fine baby, let's stop talking."
Stefan got his way and miles away from their hotel room. Flirting voices were heard. Jenny couldn't keep it calm. "Ahhh, oh, oh baby." Stefan generous hands made her mourn on top of her voice.
©Yusuf Muyibat Avosuahi
#Ansaflashfictionoftheweekcontest
LITERARY CRITIQUE
TITLE: My Shameless Husband
WRITER: Yusuf Muyibat Avosuahi
GENRE: Prose
PROSE FORM: Fiction
PROSE TYPE: Romantic/ Erotic
The piece, My Shameless Husband, is a beautifully written erotic short story which conveys the journey of love advances and resistance and then a glimpse of the sexcapade. It is about a couple who were lodged in a hotel. The wife tries to resist the sassyness of the husband who just went to take his bath but couldn't which later lead to another experience of intercourse to the surprise of the wife who kept marveling at the strength of her husband.
It is broken into 7 major paragraphs showing dialogues within them.
NOTABLE DEVICES USED
Simile -"...like her body was in conflict..."
Onomatopoeia-"...Ahh, Oh!..."
Hyperbole -"...I intoxicate you; Made her want to suffocate... "
Rhetorical question -"...Oh really...?"
Euphemism -"...His third leg; two mangoes... "
However, the writer violated some grammatical rules as follow:
"His lips were...They liked supple..* Its* should be they"
"Drew" which should be "Draw" in line two.
"She needed to escape" better as "an escape"
Paragraph two, "ringed" instead of "rang".
"Who exactly does he thing he is" (question mark absent) Same with "Oh really"
"Towel guiding..." Better "guarding"
"Dammit." Use either exclamation mark or comma and capitalize the first alphabet after if exclamation mark or full stop is used.
"Move nearer" in lieu "moved..."
"Not budging" instead
"Loses" instead
"Don't you feel..." (Capitalization after question mark)
"Squats" instead (rule of concord, singular verb goes with singular nouns)
"Scoffed"
"flirtatious voices" (Adjective) instead of "flirting voices" (Noun) (Comma before flirting instead of full stop)
"Stefan's generous hands..." instead
"Moan" instead of "Moan"
Progression of narration is fine, choice of words are within the theme's register and the piece is simply beautiful for a mild erotica.
@ Ben James
#ANSALiteraryCriticOfTheWeekContest
