Sweet Pain
Splattering in my tender heart
A pour of shame choked my throat
Our love is on a pendulum set
It dances and never come to a halt
I am left to explain an endless booklet
Of the gentle fling of our dying best
The tears falls with painful joy
I talk in laughter though I cry
How long does it take to complete this journey?
A show of love in shaking bravery
Will their wishes manifest or can we only try?
To enslave the moon and direct sun's ray
The seed of love is dying though it's constantly watered
We laugh in happy moments and see it goes with the wind
Your word comes like a razor, tearing my wound
Our love sees it all though it's meant to be blind
We are caged
Yet we stay, wondering who walks away bold
Our hands are weary and teary in a close hold
This love is too painful to be sweet
It goes wandering and never take a sit
You have your meal while you stare at others plate
It's aroma filled your urge so you want a different taste
So I wonder how sweet can pain be
How long will it rain before it seize?
©Yusuf Muyibat Avosuahi
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A Review of "Sweet Pain" by Yusuf Muyibat Avosuahi.
The personae of this poem takes us into a journey, a journey whose end is the heart. A heart that lives in two worlds which are but momentary: pain and happiness. However, we understand that pain is the personae's dominant world.
The personae of the poem grants us access into a kind of love that the personae describes in the title as "Sweet Pain". The personae tells us that the love defies every reasonable help the personae seems to offer, ("the seed of love is dying though it's/ constantly watered") instead of yielding good fruits, it grows worse.
The pain felt by the personae inflicts serious emotional torture, the kind that forces the personae to keep a straight face while in public while under; her heart burns ("I talk in laughter though I cry")
The kind of torture we see here heightens when we find out that there is no way out for the personae ("we are caged"). Whether it is because of a covenant or a commitment the personae enters with the lover, there seem to be no escape. And so in the face of the shame ("A pour of shame choked my throat"), the emotional hurt ("your word comes like a razor, tearing my wound"), the unfaithfulness of the personae's lover who go after other lover(s) ("You have your meal while you stare at/ other's plate ..."), the personae is compelled to remain in the relationship.
The subject matter of the poem is emotional torture. The themes include: love, unfaithfulnes, distrust etc.
Recommendations:
Since the feeling the poetess is communicating is ongoing, the verb in line 2 should be in simple present form "chokes". Also, in line 4 the word "come" should be "comes". The word "best" in line 6 should be "past". The line reads better with the change. In line 7, the article "the" should be removed.
The poetess did not ably punctuate the poem and for that cause some part of the poem is ambiguous. For example, there should be a full stop at the end of line 2.
Finally, the poetess should be meticulous with the choice of words of every line. Thoughts should comfortably run on from one line to another, this would help the poem flow.
Lawal Eneye.