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(@oluomajoyce96gmail-com)
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Joined: 5 years ago
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Walking down the tiny foot path that leads to the most dreaded shrine in Ala-ukwu village in Abia State Nigeria with Chidi by my side,I could feel the cool morning breeze caressing every angle of my face, the leaves were bright and agile and the weather friendly but something didn't feel right.
Did you hear that Chidi? I whispered but he had his ears plugged with his earphone. My body was already covered with goosebumps before I finally got his attention.
'What is it?' he said with his eyes widely open as if they had exceeded their elastic limit. Listen!! I cried, some persons are talking there, I thought this shrine had long been abandoned and also did you notice the car that is parked some distance away? I queried.
'Oh!! You mean that?he answered undisturbed, I heard that some 'well-to-do' persons have started visiting here again' he concluded. Hmm!!! I finally exhaled, Nawa oo..
The space from our wet thatched roof bathroom to the main bungalow was soggy as a result of the annoying rainfall that kept disrupting my pre-ordered day. My turquoise towel was tightly wrapped round my waist as I whistled my favorite tunes from one of the famous Olamide's album. I rolled my eyes as I noticed a little crowd forming in front of our house, but then it was only normal since Papa was the oldest in our kindred and people came to him to resolve issues and seek counsel.
Mama barged into my room with her eyes filled with tears and her face looked like she saw a ghost.she wouldn't let me ask her any questions. She just kept asking me if " I did it?".
Becoming a little irritated I shouted ' Do what Mama, do what exactly?' Don't play dumb with me Ugochukwu Mmadubuko did you steal #50,000 from the shrine this morning?.
Jeez!! Mama, how can you say that, who on planet Earth steals from a shrine biko.. I queried. 'Well you have to answer for yourself' my dumbfounded mother finally replied.
Standing in front of that tiny hut surrounded by some fetish or rather sacred containers oozing with stench from decomposed sacrifices and liquid concoctions that could deflect one's lungs, I looked at Chidi's face and could almost see blood drain from them. "For the last time, the man said, did any of you steal from this shrine this morning?"
I have already told them the truth, should I change the truth just to please them? For goodness sake my mom didn't raise a thief let alone a local shrine thief. I'm a Christian.
I heard the haggard little door bang behind us and everything seems to gradually disappear into the thin air with just two of us locked in there.
"Mama was admitted at the general hospital two days ago after you were thrown out of that little hut by some strange force proving you guilty and the consequences clearly stated" Esther who was sitting by my bed side narrated calmly.

CHIBUNDU JOYCE
#ANSAshortstorycontest


   
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(@penkup)
Prominent Member Admin
Joined: 6 years ago
Posts: 862
 

1. Storyline is a little confusing 

2. Use spacing to delineate your paragraphs. 

3. Your use of exclammation marks are misleading. 

4. Capitalisations were not properly utilised. 

5. Punctuations could have been used better. 


   
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