When I was younger, before the big leap into teenagehood, I never understood why they said boys and girls couldn't play together, what made it so wrong? Then if I did play with a boy, they would draw out my fingers and harshly tap on it, muttering "don't do that, don't do that". I didn't repeat it though, when I was young I tried my best to not get beaten for things at home.
As I grew a bit, they told me to always sit with my legs close, I didn't understand why I had to do that also, I mean, what's between my legs and why was it such a big deal for it to be closed? I didn't argue with rules anyway, and whenever I sat down, I'd always press my legs against each other, till my thighs were airless. I didn't have breasts then but they had told me never to take my shirt off in front of a boy, especially if he was older than I am. Now when I think of it, I wonder why a flat slate would arouse any man. But nevertheless I followed all these rules, I continued to hear many phrases from them, "You're a girl, put down your leg" "Don't sit like that" "That shirt is too exposing, go wear another shirt".
Let's not forget the time frame of my story, I'm still a child. Before my teenage years.
So I listened to them and didn't question authority, for that was the norm, and that was the way I could live a safe life as a girl. Soon after, something happened, and I came to realize that none of those rules mattered. The legs I had always mashed together was flung open by a man three times my size, so fighting back wasn't an option, my flat slate I had so proudly covered up was exposed by one swing of his hand on my shirt. And the thing between my legs, which I later learnt served more purpose than peeing, was shoved into by something so strong and long and hard, felt like an iron rod.
The rules didn't help me then.
The next morning was a school day, a Monday, primary school was the best part of my life. Although I was so sore I forgot what it felt like to smile. One of my classmates, Ada, had pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong but I was reluctant to tell her what was going on.
"Want to go out for lunch? "
" No, thank you "
" You sure you're okay right? "
" Yeah, I'm fine " I had said, avoiding her eyes.
I could never trust anyone and could not confide in anybody. This man showed me that I was worthless, for whatever I happen to achieve in life, there'll always be a tugging memory of when I was trash, when I was someone who didn't deserve an ounce of respect.
©Maymunah Kadiri
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