To drive in Lagos, you don't necessarily need a driver's licence. In Lagos many are licenced, few are worth the licence—most people should be given a rehab certificate before the driver's licence (many are mad, few are naked, the rest are in Lagos traffic). And you must be aware that Lagos and traffic jam is like Romeo and Juliet.
The following are things you need to remember before and while driving in Lagos.
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Make sure you bother less about your vehicle's condition. You don't have to care. In Lagos, nobody cares. Remember, before hitting the road in Lagos, you have to be well versed, not in Shakespearean sonnet, but in stanzas of heavy curse words. They don't need to rhyme, just pack them rough and venomous and belt it with your home training. Just in case you get into a “go-slow” and another driver infuriates you, which most likely will be an unreasonable Danfo driver, loosen your home training and unleash the curses you've packed like exhaust fumes.
Also, before hitting Lagos Road, you have to be well read, not necessarily the extant literature of Chinua Achebe nor the whole Law magazines. You just have to be acquainted with the simplest-explanatory-plea words possible, so that justice could be tampered with mercy when you mistakenly hit another vehicle while you're trying to manoeuvre in go-slow.
When someone hits your vehicle; you should have befriended the dictionary, Obahiagbon, or a policeman, so that your A-level impeccable English can put the victim in confusion and jittery.
Remember to drive against the speed limit and traffic light in Lagos, as no one will stop you (except, a few time when you ram into a tanker or the road barricade). Just in case you're unfortunate to drive into the mouth of hungry LASTMA officials, sandwich two crispy one thousand naira note, hand it to them and you'd be left to go. If your level of misfortune above the brim and it is rejected, prepare some extra clothes to see you through your days in cell. Perhaps, you may be fortunate to meet the Police after drifting into a corner on an illegal roadblock. Just prepare any amount of polymer note(s) and you're as free as a liberated slave.
Also remember to be on the look out for pedestrians who see pedestrian bridges as an art work created from excess building materials. Apart from full speed, only God can save you when you hit one. Note that pedestrians respect the Zebra Crossing than drivers. As a driver you should also see the Zebra crossing also as an art work created from excess paint.
Remember, the anthem on Lagos road is more than the blaring horns and the constant bus-stops on loop, it is "Pure Water, Pepsi, Coke, Gala”— A reminder that you don't get hungry while driving in Lagos. Enjoy your ride!
©Shomade Abdulazeez
— Abdulhameed Ridwan O.
